Archive | April, 2018

Tasty feet

16 Apr

footmouth

So, evidently i like the taste of my own foot in my mouth, because i put it in their more than i care to admit.  Here are three of my personal top foot in mouth stories.  They are not all PC, although one is an example of me trying to be PC and failing……

The Bronze medal: In college, a guy from the floor (Jeremy) had some high school friends move to campus.  A group of 4 of us went to their dorm to be nice and help Jeremy’s friends feel welcome on their first week of school. We hung out and played cards. If you know me well, you know that I like to give people a hard time and create awkward situations. On the walk back I start telling Jeremy about how the one girl was flirting with him.  He is such a polite guy he just keeps saying “no no, she is just a high school friend.”  So, I continue “naw man, I’m not talking about the big girl, I’m talking about the cute one.”  To which he replies “you mean your not talking about my ex girlfriend”

Silver medal:  Refereeing wrestling you are supposed to stop the match for injury any time a wrestler is crying out or indicating pain.  Well, if we followed that 100% there would be no little kid tournaments because they cry from emotion and we’d have to stop the match for injury time all day long.  So, if a kid is crying, but it’s not a cry out of pain I don’t stop the match.  One match I’m refereeing the kid is too old for this, he’s not 5, he’s somewhere between 10-12.  He is crying and grunting throughout the match, but not in a way that indicates injury or pain.  So after the match, I ask the coach “is this kid autistic” as a way of explaining my decision not to run injury time, the coach had not said anything about injury time and we seemed to be on the same page that the kid was just emotional.  The coach says “No, he’s just being an idiot….that’s my son.”

So here is what I consider my biggest foot in mouth moment.  Let me start with an explanation.  90% of time, I am shy or have social anxiety about what to say.  Maybe i always just had a premonition that i would say the kind of stupid stuff you’ve read so far.  However, sometimes I feel comfortable in a social situation and try to make conversations with new people to help make them feel welcome.  The jiu jitsu gym I go to is one place where I try to talk to new people.  A kid came to the gym one day who i worked with and he had a good attitude.  When his grandfather came to pick him up I mentioned how the kid had a good attitude, etc.  Some people at the gym start talking about having a barbecue when the weather is better.  The grandpa starts talking about how he grills all winter long because he’s from Michigan and they’ll shovel snow out from around the grill to barbecue all winter long.  I do my best to include him in the conversation and say “oh, you ain’t scared of frostbite huh”  he answers he grills all winter long, to which i respond “and you still got all your fingers and toes too”  to which he responds, “no, as a young man in Chicago frostbite got some of my toes, but I learned my lesson.”