Archive | April, 2015

Free milk and a cow

4 Apr

Lately people keep asking my thoughts about marriage, not sure why.  Of course my view of marriage is long term it can only end in death or divorce, so there has to be a better option.  On more than one occasion this logical argument has failed to persuade those closest to me.  I have been in ten weddings.   This seems to be a strange stat for someone who is as big as a misanthrope as I am.  I would like to say that I keep in regular contact with all 10 grooms that I stood up there with, but the truth is the only one I’m in weekly contact with is my Jiu Jitsu instructor.  I am probably talk to the 10 friends an average of two times a year.  There’s a reason that men get married in a black suit, and all of his friends are dressed in black too.  It’s sad to see so many good young man lost to us.

The very first wedding I was ever in was my oldest brother Richard’s.  Way back in 97 maybe.  Surprisingly enough, the first when I was in also happened to be one of the smoothest ones.  About the weirdest thing that happened was I had to dance in the wedding party dance, and I was wearing a cowboy hat.  So I would step on Jen’s sisters feet, then I would look down and I would hit her in the face with the brim of my hat from looking down.

The second wedding I was in was my buddy Nate.  It was a teenage wedding in that Debbie was still 19, Nate had just turned 20.  Nate’s wedding was also pretty relaxed.  Everybody chose their own style of tux to wear, as opposed to all the groomsmen wearing what the bride picked for us.  I couldn’t convince another of the groomsmen to pick the one in the photo.dumb_and_dumber_8

Then my brother Marshall.  Marshall’s was one of the first that was a string of incidents at weddings.   While we were in the ceremony I turned  to my brother Richard and said  “I’m going to be sick.”  Richard tells me “tough it out.”  However when Marshall and Babs went to light the candle he saw me curling over.  And he told me to get out of there.  So I do I go straight down one of the side aisles to try to head for the pastors office toilet.  Before I make it to the toilet, I settled for the water fountain, and projectile vomited at it.   Vomited so hard that it’s blast off of the water fountain and onto me my vest my shirt.  All over the place.  Meanwhile back in the wedding when they get to Richards turn to escort his bridesmaid back down the aisle, he motions to my bridesmaid to join him so he’s escorting two bridesmaids down the aisle.  My cousin’s husband loaned me his jacket so that I could go to the reception.   Still not sure what triggered that I guess is just something about me and marriage don’t exactly walk hand-in-hand.

The next wedding I was in was my buddy Wiley.  Some of the back story of this is I broke Wiley’s face playing basketball once.  I don’t think it’ll take you too long to tie that in once you hear that before the bachelor party me and Nate started playing bowling ball catch before Wiley’s bachelor party.  Nate spotted this bowling ball that we had at the house and we started tossing it.  We decided that was stupid, that we should go outside to play. So we started playing it like the water balloon toss game where you toss it take a step back toss it take a step back. Every coach tells to keep your eye on the ball.  The problem is when the balls coming from 20 feet away and it’s a bowling ball, catching it like a football winds up with the ball on the eye.  So I’m running around the front yard with the bowling ball on my eye.  Nate is laughing his head off.  I tell my mom what happened.  I tell her I’ve got a little cut but nothing seems too bad; but I see these spots like when you see a bright light.  So she tells me go to the eye doctor to check for a detached retina.  Everything was fine I couldn’t participate in too much at the waterpark, and I had a nice shiner for the wedding.  At the time it didn’t seem nearly as dumb as it started to sound when I was telling the eye doctor what happened.

Aaron’s wedding was next.  Once again it was the bachelor party that got us in trouble.  We rented a boat and went skiing out on the lake, and borrowed two jet skis.  On the lake we had a blast.  I was on the jetski with Aaron and we noticed he was still wearing his necklace.  Aaron is always quarterback  when we played backyard football.  I tell him our rule is to always go over and hand whatever the item is off.  Aaron however has a reputation of the golden arm, so he tells me “don’t doubt my arm.”   He throws it, and it wasn’t even close, like 15 feet short.   However, our main problem was a few of us totally forgot about sunscreen.  I was so bright red that during the reception the next day I was barely moving around.  I pretty much sat at the banquet table and stared off into space most of the reception.

Somewhere in there I was in Bada’s wedding.  Bada’s wedding was a little classy, no real Dave like stories to share from that one.  So I will just take credit for Bada ever being married in the first place.  His first day of work at lifeline, my oldest brother Richard and another guy kept playing jokes on him.  I was there and training him that night and I was just like oh don’t worry about them.   He eventually met his wife at work.

The next wedding I was in was Cary’s I think.  Me, Nate, and Aaron were responsible for planning the bachelor party.  My idea was to tell Carrie that he had to complete a certain number of tasks in order not to get a wedding prank.  Nate and Aaron made up a list of dares that Kerry got different number of points for.  Some of the  dares were relatively stupid and reminders of high school pranks.  Like for one, we climbed onto high school field and played touch football.  Another dare he had to do was to wear a man thong at Broadripple.  Carrie’s nickname is Harry Carey because he is one hairy dude.  So he wore a oversized T-shirt.  And lifted up the T-shirt so that we could get a picture of him standing in line for the clubs at Broadripple in his man thong.  Looked like a tiny Sasquatch in a neon bikini bottom.

The inimitable R. Doyle Boggs was my next wedding, I believe.  Once again the wedding was very tasteful and no Dave like stories to tell.  So instead I’ll just tell you one of my favorite Doyle stories.  Me and Doyle have had a lot of good times.  Richard was trying to kneeboard, and Marshall was trying to drive the boat.  Richard was getting very frustrated with Marshall, and yells out Marshall I got two questions for you.  And they were two questions complaining about the way marshall was getting up to speed and driving the boat.  Doyle hollers back to Richard “all questions need to be filled out in triplicate and submitted to the main office.  We can’t answer questions like that out here on the water.”    On that same trip, Doyle asked me “are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?”  As I was struggling to get off the tube and into the boat, Doyle offered the advice “maybe if you got off the chicken first it would help.”

Josh was my ninth wedding where I was a groomsman.   There is only one Josh Combs, to start with I think he had about three or four different wedding ceremonies over the course of a year.   All to the same wife they just decided to have several different weddings, which is really strange because they are both from Indianapolis.   I was in the Indiana one.  It was an outdoor wedding and I got to have the groomsmen cam.  Josh was a telecommunications major in college so a good deal of his friends are professional videographers, but in addition to the normal videographing he had me hold I camera while serving as a groomsman.  I was just supposed to hold it down by my hip and trying keep Alison’s face in the frame without moving around too much or bringing it up to my face.  He also put me in charge of the camera at the reception where he was leaning on my lack of tact and all-around absence of social skills to get people to come up with funny Josh and Allison stories.   Our present for being in the wedding was samurai swords.  Except they are the flea market variety.  So they’re basically just metal sticks with the plastic handles.  We ran around trying to cut up watermelon and cut whatever else we could do with the “samurai sword.”

The final wedding I’ve been in is the only one I stay in monthly contact  with Brandon.  He’s my jujitsu instructor and he also  co-teaches with me.  I almost missed out on being in the wedding, because I was in El Salvador.  Getting my measurements Saintand from El Salvador was extremely tricky.  I thought all I had to do would be go to a taylor, but evidently the numbers and the measurements aren’t the same universally.   I got the measurements Sanana couple of times but neither one of the measurements were really what they were looking for.   So I wound up wearing some big top circus style pants but since they were adjustable, I was good.

If you have pictures from any of these weddings or memories that I should have included go ahead and include those now.